So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?