dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you