I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The beer is more important than you right now.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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