Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
