she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Randomize
