I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
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I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I enjoy the company of your penis
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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