I accidentally had phone sex last night
i would punch a child for taco bell
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
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His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
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I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Well I just put wine in my tea
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
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