I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
