The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
