I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
