I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
