my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
