If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
