32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
