She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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