Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
