There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
