Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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