If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
