we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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