I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
