All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
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There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
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Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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