I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
