was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
