Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
