Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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