Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
The Olympian is in my bed
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