This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
