i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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