I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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