You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
