It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
