The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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