In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
do herpes really smell.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
