Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
