I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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