2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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