Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
