oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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