I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
