you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
