Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
