when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
