just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
