So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
