I cannot find my penis.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
