I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
