Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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