Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
