I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
