Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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