i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
