Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
