my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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