all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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