so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
