I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
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