dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Randomize
