I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
