i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
